Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

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Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

Hello, Welcome in a collection of thoughts and quotations by Jarod Kintz on success, money, fame, rich, inspiration, career, desire, power, pursuit, way and goals. Our team gives you some quotes about Jarod Kintz. He was born on March 5th, 1982 in Salt Lake City. Jarod Kintz graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All through college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.

  • “I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.”

  • “She didn’t say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse “I love you” with “May I take your order?”

  • “I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.”

  • “You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.”

  • “Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called.

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight.”

  • “I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.”

  • “I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less.”

  • “Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world.”

  • “I don’t understand people who say they need more “Me Time.” What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else’s body?”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick.”

  • “With my last breath, I’ll exhale my love for you. I hope it’s a cold day, so you can see what you meant to me.

  • “It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food.”

  • “I told her I’d wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who’d give me a ride home.”

  • “I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me “F*** you.” Then I’ll go back to that person and pin the flower on their lapel in a gesture of friendship. And while they are looking down on it in astonishment, I’ll bunch up my knuckles and punch them in the face.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.”

  • “Laughter is the sound of the soul dancing. My soul probably looks like Fred Astaire.”

  • “You know what I like most about people? Pets.”

  • “She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with. Trouble is, she was standing next to the kind of woman I’d like to make love to.”

  • “I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it’s relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one?”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “One of my main regrets in life is giving considerable thought to inconsiderate people.”

  • “The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK.”

  • “If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.”

  • “The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to pour all over you.”

  • “Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “Sometimes I ask myself, “Do I have the courage to do the right thing when it matters most?” And that answer, I’m afraid, is silence.”

  • “What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He’s a loser—that’s why he’s number two.”

  • “Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers.”

  • “I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.”

  • “When faced with two equally tough choices, most people choose the third choice: to not choose.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone in a dream, I saw the future.”

  • “Reading—it’s the third best thing to do in bed.”

  • “I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.”

  • “I’ve often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it’s the one right after the next to the last one.”

  • “I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag.”

  • “I love running. I’m not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate.”

  • “I wish my stove came with a Save As button like Word has. That way I could experiment with my cooking and not fear ruining my dinner.”

  • “I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.”

  • “I just realized my lips are inside out. They should be turned inwards, because I spend most of my time talking to myself.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am.”

  • “Goodbyes, they often come in waves.”

  • “When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.”

  • “From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”

  • “I only sing in the shower. I would join a choir, but I don’t think my bathtub can hold that many people.

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “I want to be the kind of person that kind people like and want to be like.”

  • “You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it. But first, let me introduce myself.”

  • “It’s true, I can’t make you love me. But I can refuse to let you out of your cage.”

  • “I’ve always felt that the best place to hide a body is in the trunk of a cop car, with a note affixed to the body that reads, “I’m sorry.”

  • “I wanted to tell her “I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, or what kind of weapon you’d use to shoot it down.”

  • “Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose.”

  • “We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.”

  • “She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her.”

  • “He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “My advice for a person who’s just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms…faster.”

  • “4 am—if I’m ever up that early, it’s because I’m up that late.”

  • “I’m willing to die for the woman I love. I just want to take 75 years to do it.”

  • “I want to get the words “Courage” and “Bravery” tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me.”

  • “The year you were born marks only your entry into the world. Other years where you prove your worth, they are the ones worth celebrating.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “If I had a dollar for every time a random woman walked up to me and tried to seduce me, I’d have 50 cents. That’s assuming drag queens are half price.”

  • “If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I’d say, “Now.” But you’d also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes fast.”

  • “I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.”

  • “Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone.”

  • “Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “Love is like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute. But there’s no need to be frightened, because that plane is still on the ground.”

  • “Blood may be thicker than water, but it’s certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries.”

  • “If I have to beat you up to keep you safe, that’s just what I’ll do. It’s this kind of regard for others that makes me believe I’d be a good politician.”

  • “My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk.”

  • “I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark’s teeth. Locating them wasn’t really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “The morning always has a way of creeping up on me and peeking in my bedroom windows. The sunrise is such a pervert.”

  • “If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs).”

  • “Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go.”

  • “I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many homonyms are there for meow?”

  • “I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark’s teeth. Locating them wasn’t really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was.”

  • “The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her.”

  • “A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase “hurry up and wait.”

  • “Artists exist to show us the world. So do windows.”

  • “I want to go to sleep in my time machine and wake up eight hours in the future.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.”

  • “I want to protect innocent people from sin by locking them in cages, where the evil can’t get to them.”

  • “You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours.”

  • “Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.”

  • “The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smoking years ago.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “I am the broth of love. Make soup to me.”

  • “The police seemed to think I killed her, which is crazy, because I loved her like a thousand drops of blood dripping down a dagger.”

  • “The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me.”

  • “I like to spoon after I fork.”

  • “Too bad Americans can’t export Awesome, because I have boxes and boxes of the stuff just lying around in my attic.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English


  • “He was an introverted kid, so I didn’t send him to his room as punishment. No, I took him to a party.”

  • “Some people try to change the world one life at a time. Others try to change the world one death at a time. And I try to change the world one bucket full of dirt at a time.”

  • “Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don’t eat breakfast.”

  • “I want to be strapped to a table, while a family of chickens argues over who gets to eat my legs.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.”

  • “Love is like whoa! Actually, it’s closer to woe.”

  • “I fell in love with her the moment she was late, though neither one of us knew it at the time because she hadn’t arrived yet.”

  • “I once saw a snake having sex with a vulture, and I thought, It’s just business as usual in Washington DC.”

  • “I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “Just to show my dad that I think he’s number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.”

  • “Can America get back to a point where politicians are honest? Not unless that point is the tip of a sword.”

  • “My hands will get dirty holding your rose-shaped heart, because love is like gardening—it’s earthy and takes work to keep it alive.”

  • “Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest, but highly profitable.”

  • “I would say exploit the stupid, because they’re expendable and loyal, but it’s a fact: politicians are not loyal.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “Between hello and goodbye is I love you.”

  • “Empty packets of hot sauce remind me of the love I used to have for her. Now all I’m left with is this yummy taco.”

  • “Love one person at a time, that’s the motto I’ll try to get my clones to live by.”

  • “Even a fool recognizes that there is great sadness in a bucket of tears. But only a wise man thinks to conserve water and use that bucket to wash his car.”

  • “I’m asexual, though occasionally I’m attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “It’s not: I jumped in, and it was cold. No. It was cold, and I jumped in. Always arrange a sentence so you appear to be fearless, when in fact you are far less than fearless—you are clueless.”

  • “I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop.”

  • “She had two lips like strawberries, and the seeds gave her kisses texture. I preferred kissing her over two scoops of vanilla ice cream.”

  • “I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I’d happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.”

  • “I love like a leaf in the wind. Please, hold your applause until the end of the performance (the last day of fall).”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “Fight or flight? If I had wings, there’d be no choice. But since I don’t have wings, I have to rely on my cape, and a long running start.”

  • “Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They’re so confusing! If love were a physical thing, it would be stairs.”

  • “Roses may say “I love you,” but the cactus says “Fuck off.”

  • “Sometimes I wish Jim Morrison were still alive, because I’d love to see a concert in which “The Doors” opened up for “The Cars.”

  • “One thing I often get carried away with is piggyback rides.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her.”

  • “If love were a dolphin with wings and a unicorn’s horn, being ridden by a blind leprechaun dressed like Rasputin, would you believe in second chances for love at first sight?”

  • “I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that “new car smell” all the time.”

  • “A Kiss is a terrible name for a piece of chocolate shaped like a water droplet, because kisses are hot and would melt chocolate—even if it is wearing an astronaut suit made out of tinfoil.”

  • “The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “Every politician has a promising career. Unfortunately, most of them do not keep those promises.”

  • “If flowers were boogers, I’d pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave.”

  • “Sometimes the thing that brings us together also pulls us apart. Sort of like a zipper.”

  • “With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it’s no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell.”

  • “In the land of Gibberish, the man who makes sense, the man who speaks clearly, clearly speaks nonsense.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “Time is such a waste of time to think about, because the longer you ponder it, the more of it you lose. And before you know it, you don’t know it, because you are nothing but dusty worm food.”

  • “I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time.”

  • “I don’t want to make love last, I want to make love second to last. The last thing we’ll do is cuddle.”

  • “She has a sly smile, and eyes that seem to see my essence as they explore my soul and implore my spirit to enter her. I look at her and I see love.”

  • “I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. No, I’ve been feeling like my clone.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.”

  • “I make love like the 13th floor is the 14th floor of a hotel. I give it that little extra that takes it to a whole new level.”

  • “I don’t know what’s in the box, but I love it. Unopened gifts contain hope.”

  • “My brain is divided into two butterflies, and both are in love with your rose-shaped heart. If you’ve got the garden, I’ve got my whole life.”

  • “I’ve got a way with love. Away with love.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.”

  • “In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn’t good enough to start, so I just rode the bench.”

  • “I talked to a calzone for fifteen minutes last night before I realized it was just an introverted pizza. I wish all my acquaintances were so tasty.”

  • “Love will wreck your heart like a derailed train. So choo-choose your partner wisely.”

  • “To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “Every night I cuddle with a blob of unbaked clay I fashioned in the shape of a woman. But that’s what being in love is all about.”

  • “It’s what you do in your free time that will set you free—or enslave you.”

  • “I am a slave to your love. Well, more like indentured servant.”

  • “When I compliment you, I compliment myself, because I am who I associate with.”

  • “The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “I want to read the employment section of the Bible. I think it’s simply called Job.”

  • “I am the sunrise of sunsets, and I make love like noon at midnight.”

  • “Love is like a forest, I think as I kill trees by squandering toilet paper while “decorating” my ex girlfriend’s front yard.”

  • “Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling.”

  • “On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn’t cheer so loud when I’m trying to sleep.”

  • “I don’t like to celebrate my birthday, because I don’t like taking credit for others’ work—in this case, my mom and dad. Or possibly my mom and the mailman.”

  • “Love waits patiently. In the lobby. I’ll be with you as soon as I can.”

  • “This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep.”

  • “I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “I have a real problem keeping friends. I’m always running out of space in my freezer.”

  • “Scars exist to show that I existed. I myself don’t have any scars, but every single one of my friends has a healed up knife wound deep in their back.”

  • “When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.”

  • “My close friends are fond of telling me that I put the “yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person.”

  • “I’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “When your action is gone, and all that’s left is motionlessness, I’ll be there, whistling.”

  • “I want my relationship with my girlfriend to be built on trust, not toothpicks, rubber bands, and lentil beans.”

  • “Instead of a Lemonade Stand, I should open up a “You know what I can’t stand?” Stand. I’ll sell rants in small, medium, and large.”

  • “Flowers and fear are a lot alike. For one, flowers and fear have a distinct smell, and two, I’m currently trying to grow both in my garden.”

  • “No matter how much water a sink takes on, it never lives up to its name. The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It’ll be a great conversation starter.”

  • “I will never buy a fish tank, because I don’t believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines.”

  • “For me, it’s not about winning an award. It’s also about not even being nominated.”

  • “People always ask me if I’m into sports, and I say, “Well, isn’t writing a sport? If you’re doing it right, and you have a deadline, you should be sweating.”

  • “If it’s the last kiss, we’d better make it last. I hope you don’t have anywhere to be, because I have the rest of my life free.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “I’ll be your Dostoevsky, if you’ll be my Tolstoy. Our life together will be so full of despair that death will be like a gulag full of joy.”

  • “How’s my mom? My mother’s well, like a painting—a Motherwell.”

  • “I don’t demand much. All I expect is for you to love me so much you kill yourself just to get my attention.”

  • “To love someone as much as you love yourself, that is the ideal. Especially if that someone is your clone.”

  • “I love Huey Lewis, but not the News, because the News is too depressing.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “I travel light. But not at the same speed.”

  • “You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late.”

  • “I want to make something of myself. I believe it’s called a statue.”

  • “I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals.”

  • “I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “If I promise you I’ll show up fifteen minutes late, I’ll always arrive on time.”

  • “Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights.”

  • “I’d rather fake my own fog, than fake a steamy love scene. Can I interest you in some mist? It’s homemade.”

  • “She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up.”

  • “I gave her a broken watch, to symbolize that my love for her is forever and timeless. And as an excuse to why I’m always late.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “I have always loved camping, ever since I was eight, and was forcibly stuffed in a trunk and dropped off in the middle of the forest. My dad was a complex man, but I believe he was trying to show me the value of camping.”

  • “I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me!”

  • “A banker is a man who will lend you the short sleeve shirt off his back and demand a long sleeve one in return.”

  • “A shopping cart flipped upside down forms a cage that I use to protect myself from consumerism.”

  • “Sometimes I sit for hours just thinking, wondering what the man upstairs is trying to tell me. Yesterday I reached the conclusion that he was saying, “Get me a slinky.”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the water table of wisdom.”

  • “I want to end global hunger by feeding half the world’s starving people to the other half.”

  • “I once watched several criminals engage in an organized argument, while an audience of supporters cheered them on, but I was so disgusted that I had to turn off the political debate.”

  • “Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans.”

  • “I want to be a cowboy, but only long enough to barge into a saloon and bellow, “Who’s the yellowbelly that stole my happy trail?”

  • Jarod Kintz Quotes In English

  • “I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion.”

  • “When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened.”

  • “I can bench press steam, but not fog. I just have to wait until the fog lifts itself

  • “I don’t drink water, because if water can erode rock, think what it can do to flesh.”

  • “Two become one when two are in love—or when the waitress asks about our dinner bill. I’ll pay next time, I promise.”

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